There's a part of my life last year (2010) that I have chosen to keep from most of my friends. To some, perhaps it can be seen as a misstep taken for the sake of love, but to me, it was a HUGE misstep that completely desecrated my personal sense of righteousness and principles. I have never been a religious person, and the religion that has been closest to my heart by far is Buddhism because my parents are buddhists and I used to visit temples with them, but honestly I was faaaar from devout. To put it quite simply, I'm a person who doesn't believe in a higher power telling me what to do and I do not like to be ordained by a rigid set of rules that are supposed to be "passed down by God" - Whoever God is. Blasphemous words these are to the religious out there, but because I am NOT religious, I am merely speaking what I feel.
So last year, my beau and I were about to be married and unbeknownst to me, I could choose NOT to convert to his religion (Islam). Silly me actually went for a few classes and ultimately was converted after 3 short lessons. *Lightning & Thunder* I FEEL SO ASHAMED SHARING THIS!! But it did happen and I cannot deny it. Without any malice to believers of Islam, I did not connect with any of the philosophies that I had learned in the classes and I was just all giddy with love and the thought of doing this for the ONE I love. My parents opposed my shortgun conversion and I too did not agree with my decision but I thought that this was the only way that we could be married.
A couple of weeks later, I realized that a Muslim and non-muslim can actually be married under the civil law. No problem at all, no complications - You have a choice. I did not know that and I blamed my beau for not helping me to find out if this was an option. Blahblahblah A huge row ensued Blahblahblah Tears were shed Blahblahblah. I was determined to 'annul' my conversion. I went back to the place where I took the first step to the biggest mistake of my life and I undid what was done. There, the dude who was witness to my religious "undoing" actually told me when everything was done -- "Well, just to inform you, because you renounced Islam, you'll go to hell", with an embarrassed smile he "informed" me, and I replied "Oh, okay" and in my heart I thought "Who fucking cares? I'm probably gonna end up there anyway", along with everyone else in the world (because heaven does not exist). I felt good because I had reclaimed my dignity and principles, and finally righted the wrong that I did. It's a personal choice and I don't believe that by NOT being of the same religion as the person you love means you love this person any less. Religion is personal and subjective and takes a lot of faith. Faith is something I've always been lacking in and religion is a commitment I am unwilling to take.
If I continued discussing religion right now I could go on and on and on. And thus, to avoid that and unwanted conflicts with the religious peeps of the world, I end this post. I have shared with you the one thing I was ashamed of doing in the year 2010. I apologize to myself for being so weak and collapsing to stress from certain parties involved in that misstep. I promise myself not to make such a mistake again and may I always have the courage to say no.
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